one year

One year ago today our 4th child, our 3rd son, Miles Kent Watkins was born, and our lives changed forever. My heart shattered into a million pieces as I held our precious baby and realized we wouldn't be able to take him home, see him grow up, and shower him with all the love we had.

There is no way I could have survived the coming hours, days, weeks, and months without the amazing support system surrounding me, including my husband, family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even people I didn't know reaching out to tell me their stories and roads to recovery. Dave and I's marriage was strengthened as we relied on each other for support, understanding, and love. Our perspective changed and we realized more than ever that the little things didn't matter- just each other and our family. The Lord's tender mercies fell upon us through the prayers and service done on our behalf. Most importantly, my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ became deeper and stronger as I sincerely prayed for comfort, peace, and strength. I relied heavily on the Gospel to help me through each day and to provide some sort of understanding and hope.

I often felt like I would never be "myself" again, that I could never be happy, optimistic, and friendly. Or that I would never be able to find joy in the things I once loved to do- traveling, baking, even just laughing with friends. I felt like I would always be jaded by the harsh reality that life isn't fair, bad things happen to good people, and that not all dreams can come true. But then I realized that although I didn't have control over what happened, I did have control over my attitude and perspective. Miles would not want me to be angry, bitter, resentful, or miserable. I knew that Heavenly Father loved me and would want me to put my faith and trust in Him, to believe that things would work out somehow. I had been blessed with such amazing blessings throughout my life, I did not want my trials to define me or make me ungrateful for all the wonderful things surrounding me.

As time went on, I realized I wasn't "myself" again, but perhaps a better version of myself. Although I had never felt more weak, I somehow became stronger. My faith was tested beyond my limit, yet it grew more than I thought possible. I hope I became more patient, understanding, compassionate, and sensitive, with less judgement and criticism. And somehow my happy days became richer, as I appreciated them more and learned to enjoy every fun moment. I feel Miles truly made me a better wife, sister, daughter, friend, and mother.

If someone would have told me what the next 12 months would bring, I would not have believed them one bit. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the amazing, wonderful miracles that have happened this year. Lillian is truly an angel sent from God. The amount of joy, love, happiness, and fulfillment she brings could never be measured or put into words. I strongly believe things happen for a reason, and that certain events had to happen to bring Lillian into our eternal family. I'm sure that our 4 older children were rejoicing when we were able to bring Lillian home, and more recently, have her sealed to us in the temple. And now we have the wonderful possibility of bringing home another baby girl in about 6 weeks. Oh, how my heart is full.

I love and miss our dear Miles with all my heart. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and thank my Heavenly Father for his sweet spirit in our family. Dave and I are motivated to better ourselves, that we may be worthy of our children who were "too pure, too lovely" for this imperfect world. I look forward to the day when we can be reunited with them and have the opportunity to raise them during a time of peace and love. Until that time, Isaac, Noah, Ruth, and Miles will live in our hearts as precious members of our family.