I don't know

How do I go on when my world has fallen apart?

Why must I say goodbye to my child when our life together has only just begun?

How can I be brave when my worst fears have come true?

How can my eyes physically produce this many tears?

What can I do to feel better when nothing can change what has happened?

I don't know.

I DO know that little Miles is a part of our family now and forever, and I will be with him for eternity.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me, Dave, and our children and has a plan for our family.

I know that I am surrounded by prayers, fasting, thoughts, support, and love from everyone we know.

I know that I am honored to be the mother to a beautiful baby boy who is too perfect for this imperfect world.

I know that when I feel like I can't face another day, the Lord answers my prayers through each person who gives me courage, strength, and faith to endure.

Thank you for being that person. Thank you for each hug, note, prayer, thought, and bit of love. Not only do I appreciate it more than you know, I think I need it more than I know.

Brittany, aka Lucy

Yesterday was a sad day for my family. I could write pages about our loyal, tender, patient dog but I think this puts it perfectly. Thank you Lori for writing something so eloquent and perfect for our special Brittany.

Grandpa Jo

My dear Grandpa Jo passed away peacefully March 11 after a full, long, wonderful life. His funeral was inspiring to me, making me want to give more service, love more deeply, and act more unselfishly. My grandpa was a hard worker, dedicated to his family, his country and most importantly, the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I have many wonderful memories of grandpa, and feel so blessed to have grown up with him in my life. When I turned 8 years old, he took me out to lunch to Chili's and showed me his collection of silver dollars. I got to choose any one I wanted to keep as my own! This was such a treasure to me, I had my mom keep it safe in her closet; I didn't want to risk ever losing it. And at 8 years old, my mom's closet seemed like the safest place I could ever imagine.

Grandpa Jo used to call our cat, Fluffy, "that black cat." I thought this was so funny, because Fluffy wasn't black, but white with black spots. I got a kick out of it every time.

Grandpa Jo always treated my grandma with more patience, kindness, and love than ever thought possible. I can still hear him saying "now, Ann..." as he tried to calm her down when she got all riled up about something (which happens quite often.) At one point, my grandma wasn't able to watch The Young and the Restless, of which she has been a faithful follower since the show began. So my grandpa watched it for her, taking notes on the intriguing plot and love affairs of these deep, well-rounded characters so that my grandma could stay up to date with her favorite show. Now if that's not true love, I don't know what is.

During my grandpa's final days, he comforted his wife of over 60 years by remarking that they've had a great adventure together. This brings me to tears because it is oh, so true. My grandma and grandpa Jo have lived humble, loving lives, sharing their spirit and kindness with their 6 children, and an army of grandchildren, in-laws, and great grandchildren. I hope Grandpa Jo knows how much I love him and what a great example he was to me, and that his legacy will live on forever.

blue christmas

Another pregnancy come and gone, and still no desired result. The news Dave and I received on Christmas Eve: "You're not pregnant after all. But you may have an ectopic pregnancy. We don't know. You can't go on your cruise. You need to take a chemo drug to kill all the cells. You can't try to get pregnant again for several months. Merry Christmas."

I feel like I'm in a bad dream. Not only are our hopes of this next pregnancy crushed, but now we have to stay home and have salt poured in our wounds every day. Our Christmas was spent in tears. And now Dave's birthday will not be spent slow dancing on top of a cruise ship in 80 degree weather like we had planned- instead we will be home in the cold.

Winter is my least favorite of the seasons; the cold and the dark take a toll on my mood and emotions. But usually Christmas is the warm highlight of the winter. Not this year. Christmas is supposed to be a time when your heart feels full, with so much joy and love. Yet mine feels shattered and broken. How can others have a "Merry Christmas" when I feel so miserable? How can the rest of the world open gifts with smiles and cheer when I can barely pull myself together? Why are Dave and I the "downers" of our friends and families, with people feeling awkward and uneasy around us? What has happened to the Holly I used to know?

My list of unanswered questions goes on and on. What am I to do in the coming year to change the current course my life is taking? 2009 has felt like the evil step-sister of the previous years of my life. I can only hope and pray that 2010 is more graceful, kind, sweet, and gentle.

Our 3 Angels

Dave and I now have 3 beautiful angels in Heaven:

Isaac Watkins January 25, 2009 8:50 pm

Noah Watkins January 30, 2009 4:51 am 5 ounces, 7 inches

Ruth Watkins January 30, 2009 4:51 am 6 ounces, 8 inches

The immense love we have for our children consumes our hearts and souls. They are a very special part of our family and we know their spirits are always with us, now and forever.

Saying I am extremely sad and deeply hurt is a huge understatement; this kind of pain is unbearable. My soul has never felt so empty yet so heavy. My heart is shattered and broken and I don't know how to fix it. There are no words to describe my feelings, thoughts, and yearnings, and even if there were they are too intense and difficult to talk about.

Dave and I take comfort in knowing our children love us and they can feel of our love as well. Our knowledge of the Gospel reassures us that we will live with them again and that God has a greater plan for our family than we know of. We are truly grateful for the love and support that has been extended to us by our family and close friends- it is at times like this that I realize that I don't just love my family but I need them desperately. Each day I feel a wide range of emotions, sadness and pain interspersed with bits of hope and faith. But one emotion triumphs all others- the overwhelming love I have for each of our 3 beautiful children.