one year

One year ago today our 4th child, our 3rd son, Miles Kent Watkins was born, and our lives changed forever. My heart shattered into a million pieces as I held our precious baby and realized we wouldn't be able to take him home, see him grow up, and shower him with all the love we had.

There is no way I could have survived the coming hours, days, weeks, and months without the amazing support system surrounding me, including my husband, family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even people I didn't know reaching out to tell me their stories and roads to recovery. Dave and I's marriage was strengthened as we relied on each other for support, understanding, and love. Our perspective changed and we realized more than ever that the little things didn't matter- just each other and our family. The Lord's tender mercies fell upon us through the prayers and service done on our behalf. Most importantly, my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ became deeper and stronger as I sincerely prayed for comfort, peace, and strength. I relied heavily on the Gospel to help me through each day and to provide some sort of understanding and hope.

I often felt like I would never be "myself" again, that I could never be happy, optimistic, and friendly. Or that I would never be able to find joy in the things I once loved to do- traveling, baking, even just laughing with friends. I felt like I would always be jaded by the harsh reality that life isn't fair, bad things happen to good people, and that not all dreams can come true. But then I realized that although I didn't have control over what happened, I did have control over my attitude and perspective. Miles would not want me to be angry, bitter, resentful, or miserable. I knew that Heavenly Father loved me and would want me to put my faith and trust in Him, to believe that things would work out somehow. I had been blessed with such amazing blessings throughout my life, I did not want my trials to define me or make me ungrateful for all the wonderful things surrounding me.

As time went on, I realized I wasn't "myself" again, but perhaps a better version of myself. Although I had never felt more weak, I somehow became stronger. My faith was tested beyond my limit, yet it grew more than I thought possible. I hope I became more patient, understanding, compassionate, and sensitive, with less judgement and criticism. And somehow my happy days became richer, as I appreciated them more and learned to enjoy every fun moment. I feel Miles truly made me a better wife, sister, daughter, friend, and mother.

If someone would have told me what the next 12 months would bring, I would not have believed them one bit. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the amazing, wonderful miracles that have happened this year. Lillian is truly an angel sent from God. The amount of joy, love, happiness, and fulfillment she brings could never be measured or put into words. I strongly believe things happen for a reason, and that certain events had to happen to bring Lillian into our eternal family. I'm sure that our 4 older children were rejoicing when we were able to bring Lillian home, and more recently, have her sealed to us in the temple. And now we have the wonderful possibility of bringing home another baby girl in about 6 weeks. Oh, how my heart is full.

I love and miss our dear Miles with all my heart. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and thank my Heavenly Father for his sweet spirit in our family. Dave and I are motivated to better ourselves, that we may be worthy of our children who were "too pure, too lovely" for this imperfect world. I look forward to the day when we can be reunited with them and have the opportunity to raise them during a time of peace and love. Until that time, Isaac, Noah, Ruth, and Miles will live in our hearts as precious members of our family.

Our 3 Angels

Dave and I now have 3 beautiful angels in Heaven:

Isaac Watkins January 25, 2009 8:50 pm

Noah Watkins January 30, 2009 4:51 am 5 ounces, 7 inches

Ruth Watkins January 30, 2009 4:51 am 6 ounces, 8 inches

The immense love we have for our children consumes our hearts and souls. They are a very special part of our family and we know their spirits are always with us, now and forever.

Saying I am extremely sad and deeply hurt is a huge understatement; this kind of pain is unbearable. My soul has never felt so empty yet so heavy. My heart is shattered and broken and I don't know how to fix it. There are no words to describe my feelings, thoughts, and yearnings, and even if there were they are too intense and difficult to talk about.

Dave and I take comfort in knowing our children love us and they can feel of our love as well. Our knowledge of the Gospel reassures us that we will live with them again and that God has a greater plan for our family than we know of. We are truly grateful for the love and support that has been extended to us by our family and close friends- it is at times like this that I realize that I don't just love my family but I need them desperately. Each day I feel a wide range of emotions, sadness and pain interspersed with bits of hope and faith. But one emotion triumphs all others- the overwhelming love I have for each of our 3 beautiful children.

Day 3 of 50

First of all, I can't thank you all enough for your prayers, love, support, and care you have shown to Dave and I and our little family. We have been amazed by everyone's thoughtfulness and generosity. Your hope, faith, and confidence help to buoy us up during this difficult time.
My parents have graciously welcomed us into their home, and I couldn't ask to be in a more comfortable place or be better cared for.

I am keeping "busy" by reading magazines, watching tv, sleeping, eating, and keeping in touch with family and friends. My next goal in this process is to make it to 24 weeks (March 11) when I can then be readmitted to the hospital and remain there as long as possible, until delivery. So I have approximately 50 days of home bedrest, hence the title of this post.

My situation is much more difficult emotionally than physically. Sure, I have some normal discomforts of pregnancy and struggle with the never-ending quest to "get comfortable," but my hips and back don't hurt so bad when I never have to stand on them! Needless to say, my mom makes me wonderfully delicious meals and is always asking what else sounds good or wondering what treat she can make for me. This experience would really be quite fun if there just wasn't so much to worry about.

I'm not going to delve into all my worries, because really I have no control over them. I try not to stress about the things which are out of my control, which is almost everything at this point. I know that our babies' lives are in the hands of the Lord and He has a plan for every child. I put my faith and trust in Him and know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. My faith continues to grow as He continues to grant our family another day to spend together.

I want to enjoy every minute I have with my babies, whether they be inside or outside my body. I love feeling their little kicks and turns, and I can't wait for Dave to be able to feel them as well. We have been taking lots of pictures of my growing belly and embrace it for all it holds. I pray to be able to hold them when they are big and strong enough to survive this world, and although I look forward to that day I hope it doesn't come for a very long time.

Thank you again for all your prayers and love. It means more to us than words can tell.

my baby sister and her 3 babies

hello everybody, this is lori, holly's sister. I am writing this post for a few different reasons. number one, holly is away from a computer and can't write herself. 

number two, I feel that it is important for those who know and love holly and dave to be informed on what is going on with them and their 3 little babies. 

and number three, for everyone to remember them in their thoughts and prayers. 

at 16 and 1/2 weeks pregnant with triplets holly's water broke last saturday. holly was just as surprised as the rest of us, and was immediately filled with fear, sadness, and anxiety. she was with her mom and they rushed up to the University Hospital where they met dave, her dad, and a great medical staff who have taken excellent care of my little holly. 

after extensive ultrasounds they discovered that one of the little boys' sack had broken but the other boy and girls' sacks were still intact and they were doing good.  all three still have strong heartbeats. 

holly was admitted to the hospital and will possibly go home tomorrow where she will remain on complete bed rest until she is 24 weeks. after 24 weeks she will then go back to the hospital where she will be admitted and remain until she goes into labor and delivers her little kiddos.

our prayers are that no infection will come to her and that her babies will want to stay inside for as long as possible.  

I love holly and dave so much. they are both such strong people and I know that if anybody can get through something like this it would be them. I think their 3 little babies already know how amazing their parents are, and that is why they are in such a rush to meet them. 

My Belly

Three things that are usually in my belly...

Three things that are in my belly now...

That's right- Dave and I are expecting TRIPLETS next spring! Saying we are thrilled is an understatement, and we can hardly wait to meet our little ones. Our doctor thinks they'll come sometime in May or June; we just hope they come happy and healthy. Our little family of two is soon to blossom into a party of five, and we can only dream of the fun that lies in store.